Many call him the jolly old fat man. Others call him Santa Claus. I call him a menace to society. That’s right. Kristopher Kringle will be out and about with his crazy reindeer again this year wreaking havoc wherever he goes. He is known to travel around in a red sleigh with 8 reindeer attached. If it is extra foggy, he will also have Rudolph attempt to light his way, but that hardly overcomes the fact that his 700-year old sleigh is ill equipped for modern travel. The sleigh has no headlights, no blinkers and his registration sticker says it expired on 5/1793. His sleigh is always overloaded with presents, making it difficult for him to see traffic and road conditions. His long trip from the North Pole leaves him fatigued and behind schedule as he makes his way into North Texas, which makes his willy-nilly flying style all the more dangerous as he increases speed to make up for lost time. Many travelers in the Kaufman County area have even reported seeing the culprit texting while sleighing and drinking butter beer from an over-sized red Yeti. I mean, flying a sleigh is probably precarious enough so lets not add to it, Santa!
A law suit filed recently in the Federal District Court for the Northern District of Texas cite that Santa was flying low through traffic yelling “ho ho ho! Out of the way!” while weaving in and out of main streets and housing subdivisions at a high rate of speed bouncing off the hoods of cars as he flew by, causing numerous accidents. Lead counsel in that case, Scott Gray, is attempting to get class-action status for the 293 plaintiffs involved in that incident says that “we will fight for the people of North Texas against this menace, and we will win.”
A representative of the Forney Police Department, who shall remain anonymous, has said that Santa’s destruction cost local Forney residents nearly $83 dollars in property damages, stolen cookies, milk and other valuables. He says that the only reason that they have not issued a warrant for Mr. Kringle’s arrest is a fear of what Mr. Kringle and his gang of elves might do if he files his report. He fears that “it won’t just be coal in his stockings” should his report be made public.